The Strangers In My Home
by King Cheetah
Summary: At age seventeen, Arnold has the love of Helga, trusted friends, his parents back, and a new sister... so why is he so miserable? I live for reviews.
1. No Place Like Home

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity-jig by King Cheetah

These characters are from the sweat-beetled brow of Craig Bartlett... lucky stiff. Rated T cause I felt like it, and some characters might end up nude later. We'll see... Once upon a time, I wrote a little story called "The Strangers In My House" which got me banned from FFN. Don't know why, and no real explanation was ever given other than some vague reference to "Posting Violation". Hmmm... Therefore, I now present this completely other story for your consideration which is in no way related to that other story.  
Enjoy.

Part One - No Place Like Home

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By 6:09 PM, Arnold had finished all of his homework, updated his blog, downloaded some music off iTunes, and written e-mails to all three of his penpals. As the intercom in his room crackled to life, his mother Stella called him to dinner. Sighing, he realized that there was no need to put off dealing with them, better to just get it over with and get out into what adventures a Friday night might offer. Only seven months until he graduated, he thought. Seven months...

Rising to leave, he took one last look around the room to make sure everything was secure. Diary hidden, computer off (though it was password protected, he still took no chances), CD's organized and stored. He had no real evidence that they'd ever searched his room, but still the ritual gave him some small comfort. He was pretty sure that his parents would respect his privacy (pretty sure...), but his sister... His sister was a completely different matter. Furrowing his brow, he went about the room double checking everything.

His grandmother died a week after he turned sixteen, though no one was really surprised by this. Her health had been iffy for the previous year and Phil and Arnold did what they could to make her comfortable in her final months. She passed peacefully in her sleep and Arnold marveled over how placid his grandfather seemed in the aftermath, her funeral being a surprisingly upbeat affair. For whatever unconvincing reasons she gave, his aunt Mitzi moved in to help out with the upkeep and maintenance of the Sunset Arms, and all things considered, Arnold secretly wished that she'd have done this long before. It was a week before he turned seventeen that the telegram arrived, his missing parents following behind it, and at the time he could conceive of no greater birthday present.

Stopping on the second floor landing, once again looked down the hallway that had been so great a part of his life. Gone were all the borders that had made up his odd little pseudo family, as time's attrition took them one by one with none stepping forward to fill their place. They'd moved on or moved out and by the time of his parent's return, only he, his aunt Mitzi and his grandfather still lived there. Now this rooms housed the other people who dwelled in this place; his aunt's room, his parents room, each of their studies, his sisters room, the spa...

Sighing, he continued down to the joyless meal that awaited him. Their tale was as grand as any one that his grandfather might have woven to lull him to his rest, full of intrigue, danger and suspense, but did little to actually fill the fourteen year void in his life. They tried several times (unsuccessfully) to get word out of San Lorenzo to them, but between the civil war, the arms traffickers and the need to protect the green eyed people, there was just no way. At first, this mattered little to him, after all he finally had is parents back... and a sister.

As always, the meal began with a light jovial air, pleasantries all around and a quick round of Q&A about school and his friends. Polite, but vaguely disinterested on Arnold's part. Their time away had been kind to his parents all things considered, and they both always had a somewhat confident air to them and there was certainly no denying that his sister Carmelita was a real beauty, however... In much the same way that he had grown up without them, they too had grown without him, and after the initial adulation of the reunion was over, both parties found themselves in for a bit of a shock...

"So, after all that, Sid found it in his trunk. We ended up having to give back the deposit and everything." smiled Arnold as he helped himself to more cornbread. Even as his parents chuckled at his story, he could see his sister preparing to pounce.

"Honestly!" she said in an exasperated tone, "How could anyone be SO foolish? Do you have any friends at all who are not idiots?" Arnold mentally took a deep breath. Don't take the bait, remain calm.

"Young lady, that was uncalled for!" their mother scolded, "Now apologize to your brother."

"Apologize!" she raged, "And for what am I to apologize for? It is not my friends who are fools!"

Let it go, thought Arnold, she's just trying to get to you. Smiling weakly he said, "Hey, take it easy sis. It was a simple mistake. It could have happened to anyone."

"Anyone who is an idiot, perhaps." she sneered with a "yeah-that-includes-you" look.

"Carmella, that is enough!" fumed Stella even as Miles looked as though he wished he were anywhere else in the known universe. His sister was four years his junior, blonde and pretty with a strong, willful nature about her. Passionate, she was in the habit of speaking before thinking, but then stubbornly standing by her position to the last, and that's what he disliked the most about his estranged sibling; she was so much like him.

Rolling her eyes, Mitzi sighed, "Oh boy, here we go."

As always seemed to happen, Carmella launched a machine gun barrage of Spanish at her mother who responded in kind, Miles occasionally interjecting a point or two to bolster Stella's side of things. This would tend to go on for a good seven or eight minutes or so, and usually Arnold and Mitzi would exchange annoyed glances back and forth.

"Maybe we should just hire a translator to sit in on the meals. Y'know, like in the UN." smirked Mitzi, and brought a welcome little smile to Arnold's face.

The joke brought the argument to a screeching, uncomfortable halt. Somewhat shamefaced, Stella looked at Arnold and Mitzi, "Um, oh yeah. Sorry about that. Uh... old habits and all. Sorry..." and smiled weakly.

Arnold returned the little smile with interest and went back to his meal without further comment. You've been back a year and this still happens, almost daily he thought. In some ways it was understandable since they used English so seldomly in San Lorenzo, but by now it had become just another tool in his sisters kit to annoy him.

"You know, it would not be a bad idea if your were to learn Spanish." said Carmella with just a touch of venom in her voice.

"I'm taking French." he said, finishing the last of his dinner, then looking to Stella, "If you'll excuse me." Rising, he left the room without looking back.

After a small eternity of uncomfortable looks between Stella and Miles, Mitzi gave a small sigh and said, "Hey kid, why don't you head on up to your room, the grown ups need to have a little talk."

Apparently oblivious to the turmoil she'd just caused, she looked up at her aunt, shocked, "Me? Why must I leave the-" but a look from Mitzi had Stella in action.

"Carmelita! The adults need to speak to one another, now go to your room." and gave the blonde hellion a stern look. With a performance worthy of the Globe Theater, she rose and exited like a diva. Looking at them a moment, Mitzi got up a crept to the door, then stepped quickly into the hallway.

Miles and Stella look at each other puzzled as the heard Mitzi say, "To your room means all the way to your room, not just out of this one." followed by an exasperated grunt and the sound of footsteps stomping up the stairs. Returning, Mitzi took her seat and just looked at them.

Sighing Stella said, "We're sorry about all this, but... well you know how hard all this is in her. She had to leave a lot behind when we came home. I know it seems like we spoil her but America is just so alien to her. She needs time to adjust."

"Uh huh." smiled Mitzi as she gestured to have her coffee freshened, "I know. I figured that out the first week you three got here. Tell me something, what's Carmelita's favorite food?"

Miles looked baffled but said, "Um, barbecued chicken."

"Uh huh." smiled Mitzi, "And what's her favorite color?"

"Yellow." said Stella, wondering where this was going.

"Good, and what's her best friend's name?"

"Celeste Ancira. But what does-" began Stella, but Mitzi cut her off.

"And can you tell me the same three things about Arnold?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

Miles and Stella looked as though Mitzi had just shot them.

The bus was almost empty, and that suited Arnold just fine. Friday night should be a time for a seventeen year old to cut loose and unwind but tonight he just wanted to lose himself. Seven months. Maybe he could join the Navy. Get out, see the world. His grades were good enough, perhaps he could get a scholarship to a good school. Some school far away from Hillwood. Sighing, he realized the downside of fleeing Hillwood. It would indeed get him away from them, but it would also take him away from her.

Sitting bolt upright in his seat, he kept his eyes forward, a dull, disinterested expression on his face as he carefully unbent a large paper clip. Cautiously and with only short glances at his handiwork, he began to scribe words into the back of the seat in front of him, ever wary of attracting the driver's notice. In all times past, vandalism would have been against his nature, but lately he'd found himself thinking and doing many thing that would have been taboo to him in times past. Rebellion on a microscopic level, but rebellion none the less.

As his stop approached, he rose and cast a quick look down at the fruits of his labors.

"Whom Gods Exalt, They First Destroy" in neat block letters. Without a bit of remorse, he exited the bus.

Her townhouse was still four blocks away, but the walk afforded him little in the way of thought or stress relief, but instead served to bring all of his current troubles into sharp focus. Seven months. His destination reached, he was knocking on her front door even before he realized it.

Silence, then the muffled, staccato footsteps running to answer the door which flew open after only the most cursory check of the peephole.

"Arnold? What're you doing here?" asked Lila, not at all unhappy the see him.

"Hey Lila. I need to talk to you."

To Be Continued

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Think you see where this is going? HA HA HA! Don't flatter yourself. Many twists and turns ahead! Stick with this, I think you'll be surprised.

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Shipping and Handling - Phoebe Heyerdahl (revised)

Oft when putting pen to parchment in the noble endeavor of fanfic, one can tire after tale upon tale of the perfect Arnold and Helga romance and be tempted to tales of a few of the lesser stars of the show, and who better that Helga's best friend and accomplice to numerous count of breaking and entering, Phoebe Heyerdahl. Only daughter to Kiyo and Rheba Heyerdahl, she is a bright, studious, but socially awkward nine year old who until the introduction of Lila Sawyer, was the smartest forth grader of PS 118. For stories set contemporaneously with the show, Phoebe will no doubt be found aiding Helga in her latest scheme or prank. But if one were to spin the clock forward and set your stories in middle or high school, how might Phoebe turn out?  
1) "Wonder Bras only work SO well"  
Phoebe, meet puberty. Being a slim, petite young thing, it's easy to imagine her staying that way into her teens... or her thirties. This has lots of story potential both tragic and comic, from ugly duckling stories to Rhonda's nitwit attempts to "fix" her. The show as is shows Phoebe as somewhat insecure and that would go along way to explain her friendship with Helga. Meek, mousy Phoebe, secure in the personal safety zone of Helga, whom no other forth grader will cross. To add insult to injury, Helga would probably be drop dead gorgeous in high school. Poor Phoebe.  
2) "I was a genius... in fifth grade"  
I myself was a straight "A" student until sixth grade, when I hit the wall and began my academic career as a straight "C" student until graduation. And I wasn't the only one. So what if brilliant Phoebe finds that sometime around sixth or seventh grade that she's no longer having such an easy time of it, and adding to her compulsive need to excel, a tougher course load in high school could tip her over the edge. Goth Phoebe, anyone? Suddenly her world is SO unfair and no one understands what she's going through. Or you could have her trying to compensate through social connections (Rhonda's right-hand girl) or other outlets like sports(girl jock). Lots of pathos potential.  
3) "You're my best friend... just not in public"  
Relationship going into high school are a tricky thing even in the best of times, but for Phoebe I can see it being especially choppy. First off, I see NO future for Phoebe and Gerald, and evidently the shows writers agree. The fifth season of Hey Arnold show few instances of Phoebe and Gerald together (in contrast to the previous seasons), and Gerald is noticeably absent from a few episodes. Phoebe's Little Problem was rather startling in this regard in that not only was Gerald not making any effort to help Phoebe deal with her social stigma, Arnold WAS (Hmmmm, romance in the air?). And Helga will probably go from protector to buddy, or maybe not even that. So then, what new friendships and/or romances might she have in her future?  
Outside of introducing new characters, it's fairly easy to see her hooking up with any of the current female cast, be it as Girl Friday or BFF. She'd share Nadine's inquisitive, natural scientific curiosity, or Sheena's social sensibilities, or Rhonda's gregarious social climbing mania, or oddly enough Lila's oh-so-sweet company (who is allegedly as good a student as Phoebe, so she might just enjoy having someone on her level). Helga may still be there, though it'd be easy to see the dynamic of their relationship changing (as I'll cover in "S&H -- Helga G. Pataki, I see Helga following the same academic scorched earth policy that Olga did before her, and as such will not being looking to Phoebe as an intellectual resource.  
As for the guys, Park, Robert, and Joey are almost blank slates onto which you could create any sort of boyfriend for her that you like, and all three seem like decent enough fellows. Sid might clean up pretty good, and Phoebe might just be the thing in his life to calm him down a bit (look for A LOT of Sid/Phoebe pairings in upcoming stories). Curly might just turn out to be less of a loon in high school, evolving instead into class clown, but would definitely prove that opposites attract. Harlow used Lorenzo to good effect in the "What the Bungalow Brings" and Iggy as a heavy in "Punch Drunk Love" (a MUST READ people).

And then there's Arnold...

Word up, I like the Phoebe/Arnold thing, A LOT and I'll not apologize for it either. Rather than polar opposites, they're complimentary in their personality types and if not becoming an outright romantic couple, it's all too easy to see them becoming very close personal friends and confidants. The story possibilities for this are tantalizing to say the least, but how Helga might react to this pairing is half the fun. Now, I know you're initial reaction would be that Helga would plot and scheme to separate them just like Lila and Ruth, but an examination of her behavior in a few episodes might lead us to believe otherwise...

In "Phoebe Breaks A Leg" we learn some very interesting about Helga, namely that she loves Phoebe as much if not more than Arnold, and in the right circumstances is all too willing to show it. Phoebe is more that her sidekick, and just a little beyond a best friend, but is instead the perfect sister for Helga, and while she may lose sight of it sometime and neglect the feelings of this cherished sibling, when the chips are down, Helga gives 300 percent to make Phoebe happy.

That said, how would Helga react to Arnold/Phoebe?

I'd actually say that she'd swallow her gorge and give it her blessing. Remember also what a drama queen Helga can be, so expect the poetry to fly as she sings her own praises for the sacrifice she made for the two most important people in her life. Think about it...

So there you have it; a lot of good possibilities if you'd like to try something outside of the usual Arnold/Helga stories. Anyone have any other thoughts on this? 


	2. Long Play Photograph

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity-jig by King Cheetah

These characters are from the sweat-beetled brow of Craig Bartlett... lucky stiff. Rated T cause I felt like it, and some characters might end up nude later. We'll see... Once upon a time, I wrote a little story called "The Strangers In My House" which got me banned from FFN. Don't know why, and no real explanation was ever given other than some vague reference to "Posting Violation". Hmmm... Therefore, I now present this completely other story for your consideration which is in no way related to that other story.  
Enjoy.

Part Two - Long Play Photograph

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Her townhouse was still a few blocks away, but the walk afforded Arnold little in the way of thought or stress relief, instead serving only to bring all of his current troubles into sharper focus. Seven months. His destination reached, he was knocking on her front door even before he realized it.

Silence, then the muffled, staccato footsteps running to answer the door which flew open after only the most cursory check of the peephole.

"Arnold? What're you doing here?" asked Lila, not at all unhappy the see him.

"Hey. I needed to talk to you." he smiled weakly, and with a graceful flourish she ushered him into the foyer. The Sawyers had done all right for themselves in recent years and if you were to exclude Lila's dreadful stepmother, you could say that her life was pretty good. Dressed only in shorts and tank top, black as was her habit, her fair skin and long red hair gave her a perpetual Halloween air, needing only a black cat or broom to complete the image.

"Where's your folks?" he asked, as it was usually Mr. Sawyer that answered the door on his frequent visits.

"Some dinner thing. The Jaycees, I think. I was just getting ready to start making some calls to see what everyone was doing tonight. Have you heard anything juicy?" she asked with a mischievous grin. Whenever she smiled, the spray of freckles on her cheeks would seem to be making a dash for her ears, and he'd always loved that.

"Uh no. I'm sort of on auto pilot tonight." he said quietly, and she caught his mood instantly.

"Ah, I see. Look, I have to tinkle, go make yourself comfy in the TV room. I'll be right out, okay?"

Nodding, he watched the would be witch disappear down the darkness of the hallway. Better, he thought, but she's still feeling it.

Their rec room was spacious, well appointed, and grand the way that only new money can be. With a writer's flair, Helga once described it as "intensely casual", and that seemed to sum it up nicely. He wandered it's span, looking over the flotsam and jetsam of a life in mid living, until he hit upon something that made his blood run cold. Absently, he removed the picture from the shelf next to Lila's jump rope championship trophy, it's elegant little frame belying the moment in time it held.

It was the four of them at a school dance three months into their junior year. He and Helga, Lila and Gerald in suits, gowns, and insincere smiles for the pleasure of some unknown shutter bug.

Lie for the camera!

Despite what the picture showed, only a chosen few knew what it actually meant. Arnold and Helga had been going through what friend's might charitably call a "rough patch" and phrases like "Downtime", "Time Away", and "Seeing Other People" began to elbow their way into conversations with an alarming frequency. Lila and Gerald did what they could to keep all heads in the matter cool, and it was eventually decided that any major relationship decisions would be put off until after the dance, as all involved were committed already and it was too late to get new dates.

As affairs went, the dance went well, very well as a matter of fact, or so Arnold had been told, for of the two months surrounding the dance, he only remembered one night of it. Looking down into the image of the four of them, he could only recall that two days after this photo was taken, Gerald wrapped his car around a telephone pole, leaving the future of clan Johanson to his older brother Jamie-O.

Three days after that, Lila Sawyer attempted to follow him to heaven.

It was a series of moments of stark terror, the high points but some details lost to the anxiety of the night. Himself holding a flaccid Lila, Helga tried to call for an ambulance, but Lila had taken the precaution of disabling the few handset phones in the house. As she went for her cell, Arnold stopped her, then stood helplessly as he tried to collect himself.

"Get online, " he said slowly and deliberately, "Look up suicide remedies. Booze and sleeping pills." as the empty bottle of Absolut made their search all the easier. All the while, a very groggy Lila weakly flung her limbs this way and that as she slurred curses at them and begged for release. Any other time, this might have been the opening shots of a huge argument between he and Helga but now it was a test of the trust that they'd built between them. Looking into his eyes, she saw that he had a purpose in mind with his plan.

Nodding, Helga scurried to the families computer and hoped the Lila hadn't had the foresight to jig it as well. Roughly, Arnold slapped and shook the soon to be angel, finally bending her over the sofa and jamming his fingers down her throat, as Lila limply attempted to thwart him. After a small, tense eternity, the contents of her stomach added new color to the sofa cover and new hope to her would be Samaritans. Looking up, he saw Helga, scared but in control coming to his aid.

The internet having justified it's existence for them, they spent the next few hours reviving Lila and walking the toxins out of her system, even as she sobbed and cursed them for their interference. Slowly though, they began to sell her on the many advantages of being alive and Helga finally began to feel that they were out of the woods.  
"You think you can just run off and leave me alone with this block head? No way, girl!" she said, daring to tack a small smile on the end, and was rewarded with a long loud laugh from their charge. The evidence of the evening's misdeeds disposed of, they sat together on Lila's bed, Arnold her left, Helga to her right and reminded her of just how much they cared for her. Her sorrow spent, Lila began to feel ashamed of losing sight of just how much she almost hurt two people that she loved very much.  
The return of her parents at 10:35 PM signaled the evenings close and the few questions about the lingering effects of night's activities were quickly and easily explained away. Some Chinese take-out, questionable kung pao chicken which didn't set well with Lila and the unpleasant results of that.  
Preparing to take their leave, Helga turned to Lila and said, "Um, we'll be by tomorrow to um... check on you. Y'know, see if you're okay." as Arnold nodded in agreement.  
A tired little smile and Lila said, "I'll be here." and with her eyes she said, "I promise"  
Back on the street, Arnold and Helga began to feel the full weight of the evening come crashing in on them. Not having the luxury of panic in the moment, they now felt as though they'll just run a triathelon while wearing a pair of wolverines. They were beyond exhausted, they were spent, and yet with a twinge of pride and accomplishment in the mix.

Just before they reached the bus stop, they were shocked to find that they'd been holding hands all this time and were trembling despite to warm Autumn air. Almost in unison they looked at each other, their shared moment of terror having forged new links between them. Slowly, he took her in his arms and kissed her forever. He'd almost lost one friend this night, he wouldn't make it two.

Arnold looked up to see Lila standing in the doorway, now dressed in black jeans and a shirt thrown over her tank top. Seeing the object of his interest, she raised an eyebrow as he awkwardly returned it to it's place of rest.

"Um, I'm kind of... surprised that you kept this." he said and made a lame attempt at a casual air.

Soberly, Lila sat on the once vomit coated sofa and said, "That's what photos are for, right? Remembering the things worth remembering?" and patted the spot next to her. Dutifully, he sat by her and tried to seem relaxed even as he avoided her gaze.

Leaning forward to better potision herself in his peripheral vision, she said softly, "Hey you, I thought we all agreed no secrets. What's bothering you? Is it your sister again? What did she do this time?" as she reached an arm around his shoulder to guide his head gently into her lap.  
"No it's not her... well maybe... okay, it's not just her, but she's a part of it. It's just..." he said, and she could feel him tensing up as he spoke.

"Shhhhh," she soothed, "Just relax and start from the beginning." and gently ran her fingers through his hair, even as she said a silent prayer.

"Please Helga, get home soon, he needs you." as she listened to his tale.

To Be Continued

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Okay, in planning this story out, I thought I'd go with short, tight chapters and get to play around with some experimental narrative. And before anyone freaks out, this isn't an Arnold/Lila story, so no whining. Next chapter, we take a little look inside Mile's head and learn a little more about Carmella (thanks Shinji). Stick with this, I think you'll be surprised.

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Shipping and Handling -- Lila Sawyer (revised)

While everybody loves Raymond, evidently NOBODY loves Lila... well, Arnold maybe but I'll get to that in a bit. This has always rather baffled me because if you watch the episodes very carefully, you really don't have much reason to hate her. Introduced in the second season in "Ms Perfect" (episode #206) it wouldn't be for another year in "Arnold and Lila" (episode #314) that she'd start getting up the nose of dedicated Arnold/Helga shippers. All told she' only prominently featured in six episodes involving Arnold:

Episode #206 - Ms. Perfect

Episode #313 - Arnold and Lila

Episode #318 - School Play

Episode #407 - Love and Cheese

Episode #411 - Weird Cousin

Episode #502 - Helga's Masquerade

Episode #503 - Big Sis

Episode #517 - Timberly Loves Arnold

Episode #517 - Eugene, Eugene!

I opted not to include "#511 - Arnold Visits Arnie" and "#514 - Married" because Lila is a weird dream world version of herself and not really related to the actual character in the show. Having pretty much written Ruth Mc Dougal out of the major plot threads in "Arnold's Valentine", the writers needed another foil for Helga, and therein lies a point that I think many fans and fictioneers overlook; Lila isn't a character, she's a plot device.

Her soul purpose in the show is to be a focus for Arnold's pointless obsessions (dude, no means NO!), and a focus for Helga's teeth grinding, but is this warranted? Well... After "Arnold and Lila" , our resident redhead spent the rest of her episodes asking Arnold to please keep his hand's to himself (LITERALLY in the case of "Weird Cousin"). She is also only one of two people that Helga has actually confessed her feelings for Arnold to (and yes, while Phoebe obviously knows, at no time does Helga actually come out and told her). So then, what to do with Lila in your fanfics? Hmmmm...

1) "Shut Ub... Ah'm Nawt Drunk an' You're Ever Sho Shtupid!"

Like Phoebe, puberty could be either kind or cruel to Ms. Sawyer and knowing you guys, it'll probably be the latter. She might be pretty and easy going (not little miss popular, a welcome part of the crowd) or possibly near sighted, acne scarred and with 18 lbs of braces jutting from her gums. Likewise, it's easy to imagine her peaking somewhere in the sixth or seventh grade and having a rough time of it in high school, and just like Phoebe, I see her not dealing with not being exceptional very well. From here you could split into two camps of thought; White Lila and Black Lila and the possible story hooks for both are pretty mouth watering.

Either way, you could see her getting into and out of trouble just like any of the other girls in the cast.

2) "Here Helga, you and Arnold take MY concert tickets..."

White Lila, pretty, pleasant, modest and funny. Always good for a favor or to just listen to your problems... pretty much as they wrote her in the show. While I imagine her being less annoying in manner by the time her freshman year rolls around, you could still have fun playing off her naivetZÿ and innocence. From Sid, Park and Stinky ceaselessly macking on her to her falling prey to the dishonest intentions of roguish sophomores (horrors!). You could have all manner of fun as Helga, Rhonda or Sheena work to keep her out of trouble. Alternately, she becomes Rhonda's right hand girl as she attempts to break into all the right cliques in this and the higher grades. I also REALLY like pairing up Helga and Lila as best friends, as you'll see in "Lonely Girls" and a few other upcoming stories.

Whatever happens, I just hope she starts dressing better...

3) "Now Rhonda, on your knees and beg for the privilege of licking my shoes..."

Black Lila; To Mega Thereon, the dragon lady, the spider queen. Gossamer fine are her intrigues and subtle are her foul schemes. Guileful and cunning, she is the Fu Manchu of the high school and no bit of villainy that happens within those walls does not bare her mark. She would come into conflict with any of our heroes only if they got in the way of something she wanted. Rhonda could fall prey to her desire for social dominance, Phoebe becoming her indentured homework slave, and Helga the constant thorn in her side as she undoes her plots one by one.

Okay, a little over the top, but what the hey, if you have your heart set on Lila as the heavy, why pussyfoot around. The real story ideas would be similar to the above, only to a lesser degree, most probably butting heads with Rhonda constantly over who'll rule as Miss Popularity.

4) "Um Helga, why must I buy your condoms?"

Okay then, let's think outside the box, shall we? In "Lonely Girls", I set up a rather plausible condition for Helga and Lila becoming best friends, caught between the Olympian conflicts of Rhonda and her social Magog, Katrinka. In "Ball and Chain" Helga the struggling writer is sharing an apartment with Lila the exotic dancer. In "P.S. 218" Lila is Helga's Jiminy Cricket, being the voice of reason in preventing our favorite blonde bombshell from getting into too much trouble.

If you think about it, you can have A LOT of fun with Lila without having to build the case that now all of the sudden she needs Arnold like she needs air. I've also got a little something cooking involving goth versions of Lila and Phoebe called "A Murder Of Crows", but you'll just have to wait for that one. -

As far as romantic pairings go, I for one am really sold on Gerald/Lila as titled nobility amongst the high school's beautiful people, and their two personalities would play off each other well. Likewise, if we keep it in the deep end of the pool, pairing her with Peapodkid or Rex Smythe-Higgens has a certain appeal, though this would probably get up Rhonda's nose more than Helga's.

And speaking of La Damme Pataki, how about a little fence hopping? Amusingly, when I brought this up in a chat once, the various Helga-naughts expressed outrage! I mean, they were fine with hot two girl action, but ONLY with Phoebe. Uh... yeah. Helga and Lila could work, though I think I'd REALLY need a clever set up to pull it off. I'm kicking around a few ideas, but nothing that intrigues me just yet.

The one thing that I can't seem to wrap my head around is Arnold and Lila, and trust me I took this on as a challenge. In the episode "Timberly Loves Arnold" our football headed paramore finally accepts the fact that it's truly over between he and Lila, and in "Eugene, Eugene" he seems to finally be behaving himself around her. Hmmmm... I'm not quite ready to give up on this yet; I'll figure out something. It's all a matter of coming up with an interesting angle on Helga in this little threesome.

Anyone else have any thoughts on this? 


	3. One For The Road

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity-jig by King Cheetah

These characters are from the sweat-beetled brow of Craig Bartlett... lucky stiff. Rated T cause I felt like it, and some characters might end up nude later. We'll see... Once upon a time, I wrote a little story called "The Strangers In My House" which got me banned from FFN. Don't know why, and no real explanation was ever given other than some vague reference to "Posting Violation". Hmmm... Therefore, I now present this completely other story for your consideration which is in no way related to that other story.  
Enjoy.

Part Three - One For The Road

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Arnold had reached to part of his narrative that required motion, and so on his feet, he paced like Jefferson addressing the Continental Congress, broad sweeps of his hands to reenforce some minor point or another that Lila might have missed. For her part, she'd drawn up her legs under her, sitting semi-lotus style as she dutifully absorbed his tale. Your life is like opera, she thought. I know the story and all the players even before the curtain rises, but enjoy the show all the same. And like an opera, this was a story doomed to endless repeats, but as a mere spectator she was helpless to save the tradgic hero.

The momentum that his fury granted him spent, he seemed to wilt a little as he once again looked to Lila, her applause needed to bring the performance to a close. Giving a small sigh, she looked at him with the clearest blue eyes and said, "Arnold... your sister is a bitch."

Flustered, he retorted, "Lila! No she's not. You gotta understand-"

"ARNOLD!" she said emphatically, then dropping her tone, "Your sister... is a BITCH. She's a spoiled little brat, and nothing you will ever do is going to make her happy. Period." She had spoken.

Furrowing his brow, he went back to his pacing, "Lila... you... you just don't understand. San Lorenzo is nothing like America, even in the cities. She grew up in a pyramid for Pete's sake! I mean, how can you expect her to put up with Hillwood after something like that?"

"Then tell me this, "she asked softly, "Why is it she that she only takes out her frustrations out on you? Your sister isn't having any trouble adjusting to life here. Have you actually WATCHED her navigate the mall with her little friends?"

Arnold began to take on a look of panicked doom. He knew the truth of this matter, as did his parents, as did his aunt Mitzi, but none were willing to confront this reality lest it smash the happy facade of a reunited family they'd all worked so hard to erect.

Standing, she walked over and placed her hand gently on his cheek, turning his face fowards hers, "Arnold, she doesn't hate living here, she just hates you."

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Arnold and Gerald standing with Phil after a boat race in the city park.

Arnold and several of his school friends proudly displaying a citation from the Mayor for their work on the adopt a highway program.

Arnold, Gerald, Helga, and Lila posing in costume for the premier of Attack Of The Clones, Jedi knights all. Light sabres feld high, their voguing meant to keep villainy at bay.

Arnold, Phil and the Packard on the day that Arnold got his license.

There ewere another forty pages of the scrapebook, but Miles couldn't bare to look at them. Where he'd left a babe, he was returned a young man, and a proud one at that. I'm proud of how you grew, thought Miles, but you grew up without me.

"I should have been here." he said to no one in perticular, unaware that that he did indeed have an audience.

"Phil did a bang up job raising him," said Mitzi as she stepped fully into his study, "Just like he did you."

Miles countn't think of anything to say, he just sat fanning the pages of the scrapbook through his fingers as if trying to absorb the life of his son in one sitting. Even when there was no one to blame, he blamed himself. Settling herself on his worn sofa, Mitzi considered him for a time before saying, "It's never too late to start being his father, y'know." which earned her a cross look.

"It's not like we were just off on vacation for forteen years." he said defensively, "We would have been here if we could have. That's just the way things worked out."

"We're not talking about then, we're talking about now." she said patiently, "What're you doing NOW to be his father?"

Angered, a dozen sharp retorts filled his head, but he knew his aunt way too well to even think of using any of them.

"Mitzi," he pleaded, "I'm not gonna pretend that this isn't really complicated, it's just... I... I don't really know him, so I don't know where to start with him. He's..." his voice dropped, "He's not the baby picture I carried with me all those years, y'know?"

Mitzi nodded sagely, "And you two weren't the dogeared photo he kept under his pillow either. Y'know, he never gave up on you. Me, Phil, and Gerti... well, we just assumed the worst, but not Arnold. He knew you were out there, somewhere. He always kept hoping."

Miles closed his eyes, trying to imagine the transition of his son from young boy to young man, his own father tending the forge.

"Tell me something, why'd you take the Packard away from Arnold?" she asked like a teacher quizzing an especially dense pupil.

"Oh come on, Mitzi. You can't be serious! That's not the kind of car that you just let a teenager use as a daily driver, even a responsible one. It's-" but she stopped him dead with a look.

"Miles, what do you see when you look at the Packard? I'll tell you what Arnold sees. He sees the car that took him on just about every adventure he and Phil ever had. He sees the car he learned to drive in, with a SPOTLESS record. He sees the car your father gave him on his deathbed." she let her words hang in the air a little, "... and you took it away from him."

Miles looked flustered, "But... but we gave him a set of keys to Stella's car. He can use it whenever he pleases. He seemed all right with it."

"Was he?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, "You're not likely to get a tantrum out of Arnold like you will out of Carmella." and he stiffened at the reference to the fearsome firebrand that shared their house. His mind flashed back to that moment, as Arnold stood beside him in the garage and handed over the keys. He saw it all so clearly now. Not understanding on his son's part, only acceptance. He was merely doing it to make his father happy and his face showed.

"That's why he never uses her car, isn't it?" but he really wasn't expecting and answer from her. He and Arnold had both grown up with that car, but it represented VERY different things to each of them.

"I, uh... Look, I was gonna keep my nose out of this at first. I figured you'd sort this out on your own. But what with the girl being such a handful and all. Y'know what I'm sayin'..." she said, trying to give some comfort. Miles nodded absently.

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Arnold sat limply on Lila's sofa as she massaged his shoulders. She'd crossed that line and finally come right out and incanted that unspeakable fact that Arnold worked so hard to keep buried within him. His sister Carmella hated him. Not really all that surprising, really. One minute the center of their parent's world, the next the 'other child'. Even now, after all she had done to torment him, he couldn't muster the energy to reciprocate in kind. He just didn't have it in him.

"Maybe..." he whispered, "Maybe if there was something that I could point to... Something wrong I did to her to bring this on myself. Maybe them I could deal with this." and closed his eyes.

Snaking her arms around his neck, Lila hugged him from behind and said softly, "I know what you need. You want some tea? I'll make you some tea." and immeadiately scurried off. Impassive for a bit, he finally stood and walked over to the picture of the four of them. Thinking back on it, that night was probably the happiest they'd all been in a long time, and had come very close to healing the rift between he and Helga. Close, but it was Lila's attempt at the afterlife that had done the trick.

While she'd demostrated the most grief with his passing, in truth they all missed Gerald in ways that words couldn't desribe. Their odd little group was a perfect encapsulation of his life. Gerald, the steady rock to which his life was anchored, his girlfriend Lila, who represented all of those silly childhood obsessions he'd outgrown, and Helga who'd grown into adulthood with him, and represented everything he hoped for this future. Earth, water, fire, air. Winter, spring, summer, fall. And then Gerald was taken from them...

"Arnold!" Lila called from somewhere in the house, "Could you come here a minute, please?" Sighing he began a listless exploration of her where about, another call out to him, and he finally spotted the light from her bedroom through the half opened door. He could just make out the soft strains of some tune she was humming as he entered, no doubt busied with some minor chore. What he saw beyond that door nearly floored him. Grinning wider than any person should, Lila Sawyer stood beside the bright, flat screen of her iMac, which held the image of one Helga G. Pataki, as the webcam's eye mounted on the top of the screen no doubt treated her in kind.

"Hey!" she said breathlessly, as Arnold bolted for the computer table, his hand up and running a longing finger across the webcam image of the love of his life. Despite a dozen to herself, Helga was already tearing up, and Arnold looked close to joining her. Trying to remember to look at the tiny camera's eye as he spoke, Arnold kept stroking the image of her as he spoke, "Oh god, I miss you so much! When are you getting back? Did you get the flowers that I sent? How's Montana?"

"Um, okay I guess. Nana's feeling better, so I think we'll be coming back on Monday. How are you?" as she tried to brush away tears, pretending that hair was in her eyes. His hands continued to trace light circles across her image as he fought to maintain his composure.

Spotting her cue, Lila smiled, "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'll just go check on that tea." and left the young lovers to their solace.

To Be Continued

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Okay, in planning this story out, I thought I'd go with short, tight chapters and get to play around with some experimental narrative. And before anyone freaks out, this isn't an Arnold/Lila story, so no whining. Next chapter, we take a little look inside Mile's head and learn a little more about Carmella (thanks Shinji). Stick with this, I think you'll be surprised.

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	4. Necroplolis

The Strangers In My House by King Cheetah

These characters are from the sweat-beetled brow of Craig Bartlett... lucky stiff.  
Rated T cause I felt like it, and some characters might end up nude later. We'll see... Enjoy.

Part Four - Necropolis

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It was by some strange twist of fate that Lila Sawyer was one of only three human beings on the face of the Earth capable of making Arnold's tea EXACTLY as he preferred it, a skill that she diligently attempted to pass on to Helga, so far with mixed results. Earl Gray, made just this side of a strong pot, brewed without the strainer. Three wedges from an orange (not lemon or lime) cut into ten sections, one squeezed in, the other two in reserve at the saucers edge. One and one half teaspoons of honey, preferably that dark variety they'd found down at the exotic food store by the dinner theater. Prepare scalding hot and let sit for ten minutes before serving.

As they and their friends grew into their late teens, Arnold alone remained impervious to the seductive allure of chic coffee culture, and stood firmly in the camp of her majesties own. Lila and Helga did some of their best brainstorming within the desperately casual atmosphere of Starbucks, and she and Gerald had come to invent excuses to share a quiet cup alone in the tranquil late night womb of their favorite Denny's. But Arnold knew what Arnold liked and this was one of the few thing left in his life that might bring him to violence if threatened. Well, tea and Helga, at any rate.

Slow stirring, Lila watched the last traces of honey sublime from the spoon's surface into the dark draught, just as she heard Arnold call to her from her bedroom. Hesitating for as long as she dared, she slowly rose and followed the call to it's source, hoping to force a few more moments of precious intimacy between the long distance lovers. Halfway down the hall, she came upon Arnold just leaving her room and trying his level best to hide the fact that he'd been crying. Eyes reddened, he threw his shoulders back to appear more masculine as he softly croaked, "Um, Helga would like to talk to you for a bit."

"Okay," she smiled sweetly, "Your tea's in the kitchen." and sauntered into her room. Her iMac was a vessel of pure white on which sat the image of Helga, not at all as concerned about being caught mid tear as Arnold was. Wiping away her joy, she smiled at the good witch of Hillwood and said softly, "Thanks. I really needed that."

"He needed it a little more, I think." Lila said, settling in at the computer table.

"Really?" Helga sniffed, her tears far from over.

"Yeah. What did he tell you?" she asked, looking earnestly into their cycloptic interface.

"What do you think he told me? He put on a brave face and just said that he missed me." Helga said with just a touch of annoyance in her voice.

Lila sighed, "Um yeah, I see. Well... he's a wreck. I think he really needs you right now."

"Why, what's wrong?"

"What else. His sister's on the warpath again. We um... talked about it a little." said Lila, looking back over her shoulder on the off chance Arnold was standing there, though that would be out of character for him.

"And?" asked Helga, knowing full well what Lila was referring to.

"I... I think he's ready to admit that he's not the problem." she said thoughtfully.

Sighing, Helga sat back and closed her eyes, "Finally! That's half the battle right there."

Lila leaned forward and smiled, "What else did he tell you?"

Helga suddenly wore a coy, playful expression, "Well... he told me that he loved me..."

"Yeah? Go on." grinned Lila.

"And he told me that he really, REALLY missed me..." she said through half lidded eyes.

"Uh huh. What else?" smiled Lila conspiratorially.

"And the rest is none of your damned business." said Helga primly, as Lila nearly laughed herself right out of the chair.

"Fair enough." she smiled

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Finally composed, Arnold sat quietly at the kitchen table and considered his tea, though this merely served as a focus for the greater matter that occupied his thoughts. Lila had finally forced out into the light of day that one thing he'd never been able to come to grips with; his sister truly hated him. No real reason, no firm justification, she just did. Oh, he well understood the sort of low key sibling rivalry that was bound to take place between them. After all, for all intents and purposes, she was likewise an only child all her life and well used to being the focus of their parents affections. But while he was overjoyed at the prospect of a new family to fill the void in his life, she saw him merely as an interloper. He was her brother in name only.

For a time upon their return, Arnold enjoyed the lion's share of his parents attentions and gave little to no thought as to how everyone else was feeling, let alone his sister's attitude. But almost immediately, both parties found they had little in common other than surname. Not adding to the situation was the understandable celebrity that they enjoyed, as their time in San Lorenzo was the stuff of action movies. Endless interviews, talk show appearances, and documentary filmings fill all but the most precious moments of each day, and while Carmella reveled in her role as heroine of circumstance, Arnold quickly tired of being the "tortured young sole, ere hopeful and wishing their safe return". His part of the story was easily summed up in a paragraph, answering and reanswering the same set of questions time and again quickly became a Sysiphian task.

He started at the sound of Lila taking the chair across him, so deep his wool gathering that he'd not even heard her enter. She smiled sweetly and looked at him expectantly.

"Um," he stammered softly, "I-I'm sorry, what was that?"

Again the smile as she cocked her head slightly, "I asked how the tea was."

"Oh...um," he quickly took a sip, "Ah! Perfect as always. Thanks." and marveled at the pride she seemed to take in this small praise. She'd evidently taken some time after talking with Helga to finish dressing, her usual black ensemble now accented here and there with bits of gold finery and that necklace that Gerald had given her for her sixteenth birthday. Arnold had been instrumental in it's purchase, dispite Gerald's uncertainty, and never missed an opportunity after that time to lord it over the younger Johansen just how much she loved it. Even before Gerald's passing, this was her most cherished possession. Noticing him noticing it, she smiled again and said, "He always liked seeing me in this. He said it made me look exotic and regal. He was really into that whole Egyptian princess thing." she said as she adjusted it across her throat. "Helga and I were even taking belly dancing lessons for a while there. Did she ever tell you about that?". His expression told her no, and this brought a mischievous grin to her lips, "I was planning on surprising Gerald on his birthday. Y'know, put on a little show for him. I didn't think I could jump out of a cake all that well. And Helga... well I guess she had her own reasons for learning." and gave him a sly look. Fidgeting, he looked down at his tea and nervously fingered the tiny cup.  
"Arnold, what's wrong?" she asked, sensing that they'd inadvertently entered a whole new area of emotion for him. Standing, he once again paced the room without meeting her gaze.

"It's..." he began hesitantly, "It's just that I'm not um... ready to talk about Gerald, okay? I mean, I'm... I'm kind of surprised that you can after..." and he caught himself, as looked over to her. She sat serenely before him, hands now folded under her chin as she contemplated his distress. Giving a slight pout, she said softly, "After I foolishly attempted suicide? Go ahead and say it. That's what happened, right? No need to candy coat it or pretend it was something else. I tried to kill myself, simple as that." He just stood looking at her helplessly for a moment or two, then slowly took his seat at the table again.

"Um, sorry..." he said softly, "That night... that night was just so much to deal with all at once, you know? I mean, Helga and I almost broke up, and them Gerald's... accident. Then you." He looked on the verge of tears, "I just don't understand what the purpose of any of this was. It all just seemed so... pointless."

Lila sat quietly for a moment, then said, "As flies to wanton boys, are we to the gods: they kill us for their sport."

He looked at her for a time before saying, "King Lear, right." and she nodded approvingly, then said, "Arnold, as these things go, I see this could have turned out a lot worse. I mean, I was so wrapped up in what I was going through at the moment, I completely forgot about everything else. My father, my friends, the kids at school, all of you. That's what's the hardest thing to deal with for me; thinking about all the people I almost hurt, y'know?" Arnold nodded somewhat absently, not sure he was getting her point completely.

She leaned back in her chair and stretched as she said, "I think that's your problem. I think you're so worried about winning your sister over that you're letting the rest of your life get away from you. You need to just ignore her and start living again."

This seemed to re energize him, "But I didn't do anything to deser-"

"Arnold!" Lila snapped, then caught herself, "Arnold... you're not the first guy who never got along with his sister. Heck, just look at Gerald and Jamie-O, or even Gerald and Timberly for that matter. See what I'm saying?"

He nodded, more affirmatively this time. "I guess... I guess I just really wanted her to love me." and gave her a sad little shrug.

Laughing, Lila said, "That's your trouble, you were always trying to get the love of the wrong people."

This brought a much needed smile to his face, "Oh, and you don't think we could have worked out as a couple?" he asked playfully.

Quiet now, Lila fixed him with that cool, serene look again, "Arnold, what would you have done if you were in my shoes? If it had been Helga in that car instead of Gerald?"

Arnold stiffened, then went silent. Not calm, but rather a deadness inside. After a long pause he fixed her with a look and said softly, "I would have made sure ALL of the doors in the house were locked." and she nodded her understanding.

For the first time he truly understood her loss.

Fade To Black

To Be Continued

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Okay, in planning this story out, I thought I'd go with short, tight chapters and get to play around with some experimental narrative. And before anyone freaks out, this isn't an Arnold/Lila story, so no whining. It's time for the 2005 Hey Arnold fanfic awards and I won't even pretend that I'm not furious that this story didn't even get nominated.

Go to my homepage and get the url for my DeviantArt page where you'll see the TON of Hey Arnold stuff I've been doing that I can't post here. Thanks!

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